Rediscovering Grace

To be honest, I've been spending more time thinking about making it through each day (morning sickness? yeah right - more like "all-the-time-sickness") then about being a mom. But when thoughts of motherhood DO occur to me, they bring with them waves of anxiety. I mean, I dont know how to be a mom - I dont know what to say to my friends, or sisters, or girls in my small group - how will I know what to say to the person I am responsible for??!! I dont know how not to lose my patience - I yell at the dogs in frustration on a nearly-daily basis (not sure I should be admitting that . . . ) Everyone assures me it's different with your children, but I think my anxiety stems from this underlying fear that "bad" becca will emerge - the Becca I remember from years ago who would lose her temper with her sisters, say horrible things to her parents, who hurt herself and others at every chance she got - - - I'm afraid that she is simply hiding under this veneer of kindness and gentility I've set up so carefully- and when I get frazzled (as I'm sure I will as a parent) she will return full force.

I was reminded, however, this past week of a vital truth: I am a NEW CREATION. The fullness of grace and forgiveness found in that realization is, quite simply, stunning. I need to stop living out of fear of my sinfulness emerging, and start living out of the truth of my identity in Christ. That old me? the sinful, mean, horrible me? She is gone, covered by the blood of Christ. Not that I dont have tendencies to sin and make mistakes - but if I live out of my new identity, and let the Spirit live through me, I will have the fruit of the Spirit - the patience, gentleness, humility, kindness, self-control that I need to be a good mother.

Even beyond the freeing grace of being a new creation, a wise friend reminded me of the further grace Christ offers in parenting. First of all, she told me, I need to realize that I will screw up - I will make mistakes, I will say and do the wrong things, I will sin and I will NOT be the perfect parent (which is strangely freeing even just to put in words) -- but it is in those weaknesses and shortcomings that my child will turn to the Lord. If we were perfect, they wouldnt recognize their need for the only perfect Father. What grace is that!! In my weakness, He is strong! It is ok for me to be flawed, because MY beloved Father will step in and fill the empty spaces for my child that I leave -- and that's every parent's greatest desire anyways right? Adam and I can only pray that in our weaknesses, our child fill find the Father's perfections and the Savior's redeeming grace!