Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Can I Just be Honest for a Minute?

If you ask me how I'm doing today, I cannot tell you "fine." Fine is how I usually answer regardless of how I'm actually feeling. Not because I don't want to be real, but because I'm afraid that no one likes a complainer. Sometimes if I'm feeling cheeky or brave, I might say "oh I'm ok." But the truth is that today? I don't feel even ok. My oma passed away on Monday, and I was supposed to drive with my mom and sisters to Michigan on Tuesday for the funeral. But I started feeling a little nauseous while packing Mon night, and figured it was just because I had eaten four slices of pizza and 3 (oh ok 5) chocolate cookies. I dont eat my feelings or anything. So I decided to hit the hay and wake up early to pack before we left.

However, I was unable to sleep due to all the aching muscles and shivering. Oh and vomiting. Lots of vomiting, even once the stomach was empty. So after maybe 20 minutes of sleep all night, I woke up feeling just as crappy as the night before and knew I wouldn't be able to spend 13 hours in the car driving to Michigan. I was, understandably, bummed about it. As much as I dreaded going to a funeral, I felt like it was an important step for me in getting closure, especially since my grandfather (on the other side of the fam) passed away just a few months ago and I was unable to attend his funeral either.

I spent the next two days in bed. And as of an hour ago, I still haven't kept any food down. On the bright side, maybe I'll finally lose some of that baby weight that's stubbornly hanging around. Luckily, my sweet husband watched Jayci the first day and then my dear friend Courtney took her for the whole day today. I feel awful for so many reasons right now, and one of them is that I feel like a terrible mom because I enjoyed being kid-free. I know that this does not make me a horrible mom, and that my emotions CANNOT be relied on during my best days, let alone on days when I'm sick and mourning the loss of my grandmother.

I don't have anything profound, or even uplifting to share. I just wanted to be real with y'all and tell you just how crappy things are right now. Any prayers you have would be much appreciated! :-)

As a side note, I cannot thank-you enough for all your encouragement and prayers on my last post. It helped more than you can know!

14 comments:

  1. If I lived closer, you know I would have been at your front door in a heartbeat to watch that little ball of sass :)

    I'm bummed you're so sick and so wiped and missing the funeral. That just sucks all around. You know, David griped in the Psalms so I think it would be Biblical to do that in my own prayers on your behalf...

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  2. You can be honest anytime you like. My days been crappy but I have no excuse like you so I think I'll shut up now :)

    Seriously...I am so glad you have a support system around you right now and a wonderful family to rely on..you are in my prayers!!!! and I'll listen to you gripe anytime you need to!

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  3. Being a mom and being sick is a double whammy. Losing your oma is a triple sucker punch. You are doing the right thing by allowing others to help you and taking care of yourself. Don't feel guilty. Jayci will be happiest when you are happy and at your best. Get well. We are thinking about you.

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  4. It is so important to be honest - especially about the crappy times. And I'll tell you what - the most miserable days of my life in the past few years have been when I was sick and still had to be the Mama. How wonderful to have people in your life who could step in and help with Jayci!

    You have had a lot thrown at you in the past few days. Try to be gentle with yourself, mama, in every sense of the word.

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  5. I find as moms and women in general..we often reply "fine" to a how are you question.
    The best thing for you on a blue day..is honestly.
    Sorry to hear you are ill..and very sorry to hear about ur loss.
    thinking of you

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  6. Feel better soon! You are in the Davis thoughts and prayers :)

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  7. I'll be praying for you, my friend, and thanks for being "real". We all have those kind of days and deal with those emotions. Hope you get to feeling better!!! :o)

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  8. Hugs and prayers to you, Becca! When I read your comment on conversiondiary, for some reason I felt very drawn to read more of your story, pray for you, and "talk" to you. Maybe it's because we have the same name :-) and some similar experiences.

    The winter my son turned 1 year old, his daddy and I were sick at the same time with cold/flu/virus things, THREE times. Plus I had the rotavirus (yet my baby never did!) and an operation on my foot. It was a very difficult winter!!! I wish I could say that I learned such important profound lessons from it, but I didn't. It was just endless repeating of the lesson that I can survive stuff and that my kid will be okay even if I'm not always perfect. Which I mostly already knew without having to go through all that. >:-(

    My parents did not let me attend the memorial service for my grandma when I was 15. They thought it would be too upsetting because I'd had such a close bond with my grandma. But that was exactly why I needed the closure of the service and of being in the place where I had spent summers with her, without her. My dad tried to cheer me up by taking me to Six Flags that day! It was about six months later, when I was crying over this again and my parents were apologizing profusely, that I realized: Part of the reason their bad decision was so painful for me was that it was so unusual! Normally they understood and guided me so well, that when they got something wrong it was a big shock! This doesn't seem very similar to your situation, but if you think of God as your Father and how your life goes normally...maybe you'll come to some insight?

    Thanks for just being honest for a minute. Honesty is good!

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  9. I'm sorry.... first, its OK to say your not OK! You're going through alot right now... loosing your grandmother & then feeling like you are...I'd be major complaining!!!!

    I'm sure your family understands & girl, your grandma is with Jesus - she is going to be OK about you not making it to her funeral!

    I just hope you feel better soon! Enjoy any minute you can being kid-free while you're sick! You dont want them catching it either!

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  10. I am so sorry you are not feeling good, my friend, and I am SO sorry about your Oma. I'm praying you get to feeling lots better very SOON, and that the Lord will give you peace and comfort during this hard time.

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  11. From one mom to another - please, please be honest. If I know you're feeling crappy it makes me feel okay to admit that I'm in a down mood too.

    On to Oma though. I'm so sorry. And sorrier still that you won't be able to go say your goodbyes. I can imagine how tough that is. I hope you can find a way to say goodbye in a way that will bring you closure.

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  12. Oh my. Some days are just crappy, aren't they? But I must say, this being my first time here...there's nothing I love more than honesty. No beating around the bush, sweeping things under the rug, or trying to tie a bow around a pile of garbage, right? Thanks so much for the breath of fresh air. I'm praying that you'll feel better soon - body and soul!

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog today. Your sweet comment made my day!

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  13. I am so sorry that you feel so bad. I hope that you are feeling lost better! Nothing worse than being a sick mom. Saying some prayers for you!

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  14. Thanks for coming by my blog!

    I'm sorry to hear about your Oma. My grandma passed away 2 years ago and I still fight the urge to call her and tell her exciting news. Grandma's are special people and the world is better for them. I hope you can always find comfort in the memories you had with her here and knowing you will see her again.
    smiles. :)

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