Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Post That Wasn't

I've been so excited to write you guys a fantastic blog post about how God provided exceedingly abundantly for our little family. I couldn't wait to tell you all about how we sold our house without putting on the market. How he worked out the timing perfectly with camp and we would be all moved downtown by August . . . Unfortunately, the "100% sure thing" ended up falling through tonight (but don't get me wrong, I don't blame the couple at all, I'd rather them tell us now then somewhere down the road where we're stuck with 2 mortgages).

This disappointment came on the heels of an emotional week/weekend for me. I have been struggling more than a little (understatement of the year!) with Jayci's behavior lately. Pretty much anytime I pick her up when she'd rather me not, or make her do anything she doesn't want to do, I have to utilize my cat-like reflexes (ha) to avoid her hitting me in the face. Time out after time out after time out, she is defiant and I am tired. Weary really.

And then I told you about how my best friend was in Waco for a missions conference. I think I was secretly hoping it wouldn't go well, because then she wouldn't leave me. But it went well (which is an amazing, wonderful thing and I am so glad -- but sad too!)

So combine all those factors, mix in a little emotional IS-SHUES, insecurities, and depressive tendencies, and I've been a mess over the whole fallen-through house situation. Unfortunately, our Enemy knows just when we're vulnerable, and he takes that opportunity to start whispering in my ear:
Hopeless
Useless
Not good enough
Failure
Alone
Less than

I immediately felt like we're never going to sell our house (on paper, the numbers just wont ever work), we will never move downtown, I'll never make another friend, Jayci and I will be fighting with each other forever and she will be knocking me out cold before long . . .

Here's the thing: when the Accuser starts accusing, the ONLY thing we can do is stand on Truth. Luckily, I have some wise friends who reminded me that God is sovereign and there is no Plan B. He knew exactly what was going to happen with our house, even before He laid the foundations of the world, and HE IS GOOD.

Not only that, but here's a few things that He says are true about me (I have to write them down because I am literally FIGHTING to believe them right now)
Accepted
Free from condemnation
Always led in His triumph
Redeemed
Beloved
Chosen
Complete
Heart and Mind guarded by HIS peace (and peace is knowing, not necessarily feeling)

I have to trust in and surrender to the Truth that God has given us a vision for a ministry in the city. A vision of a home where kids can come and see how to live as a family, especially a family with a father. Where they can be safe and be 100% themselves without fear. Where they can do their homework, play the Wii, and sit down for a family dinner. A place where parents can come when they're overwhelmed. Where friends from the suburbs can experience community with the least of these. A place where God's infinite Agape love can pour through us onto some people who are living in broken homes and in poverty. A home where we can work with people (not for them) to alleviate poverty and restore LIFE.

If I am truly committed to following Christ, that means I have to trust him whether things go exactly how I'd like them to or not. Even when I don't get it. Even when I can't see any way for things to "work out," I must continue to have faith that the Lord has some greater purpose to fulfill in our hearts and in our lives. Because He is good. And He is sovereign. And He loves us.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
-Deu. 31:8

16 comments:

  1. wow becca. i think my heart skipped several beats as almost the entirety of your post is EXACTLY what i am going through at this EXACT moment. the same kind of week. the same kind of thoughts. the same deal with our house. i mean, i had started writing a post in my mind of how God sold our house without us putting it on the market, and then that sale fell through. wow. isn't God good to let us know we're not alone? because while dealing with all of this i was having insecure friend issues as well. and my boys, well, they have been a handful as well. so, you are not alone becca. i am glad that the enemy cannot win (in fact, he's not very creative is he? i mean, putting two people through the same trials?). i'm so thankful for a God who ALWAYS comes through, even when it doesn't look like what we think it will look like. a God who always wins, in every situation. a God who can encourage a heart by allowing me to read your blog tonight and remind me that i'm not alone. thank you for being honest. your ministry sounds amazing. we are only 5 hours from atlanta, maybe when you get your downtown house we'll have to come love on some kids with you!

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  2. Tears. again. Seriously. Your post always make me cry and I continue to come back for more! I think I cry b/c it's real. Not just for you but I think for us too.

    I have been in the different kind of boat lately, but those same feelings... useless, sad, the biggest... not understanding. So, in some sort of way I feel your pain, but the reminder you give about God's plan is just what I needed to hear! So, thanks, I seriously just keep calling out to God to asking him wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly.

    You are having a impact on so many in so many ways. God is using you.

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  3. Im sorry about the offer on your house falling through. I know how disappointing it can be to try to sell. Dont get discouraged!

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  4. Becca, I'm so sorry to read about your struggles! You WILL make it through, and you ARE God's beloved. No matter that enemy tries to tell you. The situation is NOT hopeless. And all these things WILL work together for His good and yours.

    As for Jayci, wow, sister, I hear you!!! Annalyn tries my patience every single day, and sometimes, I am not a good mom. Sometimes I CAN keep my cool, but then I still wonder if she would misbehave so much if I really were a good mom. And then I wonder if I can ever be a good mom. And on and on and on. We can't listen to these voices!! Little girls - especially at the ages of Jayci and Annalyn - are just going to test our boundaries and our limits and our love. And while we might lose our cool and wonder if they'll ever straighten up (!!!), they won't doubt our love. Because in the end, I know you love your baby just like I love mine, and they will know it, too. And really, that's what matters.

    And, if all that pep talking fails, I suggest chips and cheese dip with a side of Diet Coke. :)

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  5. Luke 1:45: Blessed is she who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."

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  6. Thank you for sharing your heart, Becca. The enemy is a liar and a deceiver and he knows when we are most vulnerable. But you know the truth and where your source of strength comes from. Remember. Love ya!

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  7. Praying for REST and PEACE that surpasses all understanding. My heart breaks for your weary self - when it rains it pours, huh? Glad you are clinging to the TRUTHS that you KNOW when the enemy uses your own emotions to deceive you. Now if God would just let us move back to Atlanta, I'd bring over a diet coke, some Mexican food and an offer on your house myself! ;)

    I know you know this, but His plan is PERFECT and this is all part of it, for SOME reason!

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  8. I am disappointed with you. Stand firm and turn to face the One who loves you and has something abundantly more than you could ask or imagine waiting for you.

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  9. To clarify - not disappointed AT you. I'm sharing in those feelings of disappointment, just as you are.

    God's got His hands all over your life....This is just a pausing hand.

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  10. Great Post Becca! Thanks for the awesome reminder and hope all things are well soon!

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  11. Your faith will see you through. Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I always try to remind myself that God won't give us what we couldn't bear... and somehow that sees me through. {hugs}

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  12. What a disappointment. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I just know that the ministry God has placed on your hearts is so powerful and so real and so life-changing!! God will accomplish what He has already begun! Praying for you as you wait and hope and hold on. He is Faithful!

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  13. I love your blog. Thanks for posting such a great post...

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  14. Becca,
    So very sorry that things have not been working out as you had hoped. I have been feeling many of the same feelings you have described as of late an it is so hard to accept that you just have to take life in stride and work through all of the (please excuse the lack of a better word) CRAP. I guess it is just a good time for us to reflect on all that is good in our lives and to trust in God to show us the path he has paved for us. Blessings that your answers come soon and that you will soon see the light of better days :)

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  15. poor thing! It's going to start looking up for you soon and the house situation will work itself out. Jayci will come around-I'm going through the same stuff right now with both Caleb and Allie!!!!

    Hang in there-you're such an inspiration to me!!!!

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  16. Thanks so much for your comment. And YES, I am totally there with you on this post. Trusting is something I am having to learn in a new way.

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