Friday, April 29, 2011

One Very Sad Day

Can I please show you the saddest picture ever? I mean, talk about breaking my heart.
We were at one of our Easter Egg hunts, and I went inside for a minute. Let's be honest, it was to scope out the food offerings. Hey, I'm pregnant and NOT throwing up so I'm totally allowed right? Anyways, while I was inside, my friend (and roomie) Esther came in and told me I had to look at my daughter. She was sitting in the middle of the egg-hunting-field like this.  I quickly ran out there to see what the problem was (and ok, to snap a quick picture because how cute is she?)

Here's what she told me: "Mommy, I'm so sad cause Nay said I too small to play wif her. But I NOT too small."

And my heart broke into a million pieces. Because all this time, I have been hoping I could shield Jayci somehow from the pain of being left out, of feeling unwanted. And I KNOW that's not reasonable. Or possible. But I was bullied pretty badly when I was in elementary school, and my heart still feels raw when I think of how many lies I believed (and still believe) about who I am and what I'm worth.

That's why, in that moment, I felt the pressure building in my chest: how would I respond? How could I show Jayci her worth and reassure her? But instead, I choked. One of her other little friends arrived right then, and she went to happily play with him.

Now I realize that really this is NOT that big of  a deal. Jayci is not scarred for life thinking she's too little and no one will ever want to play with her. She's two years old, and she is mostly pretty confident in who she is.

But isn't it true that the hardest part of parenting is the way it exposes all our own insecurities? The most beautiful and redemptive parts of parenting are also the most vulnerable and painful ones. Looking at all my shortcomings, flaws, and fears, and praying furiously that somehow Jayci might turn out differently than I did. That she might look at herself through God's eyes and not the world's.

There are so many things I hope for Jayci - I look at her and see this beautiful, wonderful little girl with so much potential. A girl who might be shy, but has a heart of gold. Who is smart, and funny, and silly, and loves to help others . . . And more than anything else I want for her to look in the mirror and see the same thing. For her to be secure in her identity as the child of a King. As a princess who is loved and pursued, regardless of whether or not anyone wants to play with her, or anyone asks her to prom.
I've been reading So Long, Insecurity and in the midst of writing this post, I stumbled onto this passage. And Beth says is so much better than I ever could:
"That, beloved, is our challenge. To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction and relationship. When we allow God's truth to eclipse every false positive and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we'll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us (Psalm 90:17, NKJV)."

So as I parent, and as I stumble again and again, I will be praying this truth over both Jayci and myself - that we will KNOW that we are enough and that we will see the treasure we ARE each and every day.

8 comments:

  1. You are not alone, Becca. My boy got the bulk of his genes from me, bless his heart. I SO wanted him to be like his dad, who was athletic and well-liked in school. Easy-going, focused on doing what he loves and doing it well. But no... the boy is a mini-me with boy parts. And like you, I SO want to change his path to one that is filled with laughing friends and great memories. The clearest memories that I have from my school years are the negative ones; I have a hard time finding bright spots upon which to dwell. So, I need to get this book and read it, and we will pray for each other and our precious children. GOD'S precious children...

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  2. I am sitting here fighting so many insecurities right now... so this is perfect for me right now lady!

    I must go get that book too...

    And that picture... oh my... so precious to have. That look on her face... you are a wonderful photographer to capture the emotion.

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  3. Love this, so much wisdom and truth in your words - I'm so thankful for you and admire the way you parent your sweet little girl. Love you!

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  4. This was completely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty and boldness.

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  5. Oh, this hits close to home for me. I had that book to read and I returned it. I need to get it again. So encouraged at how you remind yourself of the TRUTH. I suck at that sometimes.
    Very encouraging post!

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  6. that picture is priceless! sad, but oh so cute :) and i know what you mean...i do NOT want my daughters to go through life with the insecurities that i had and still have. now i need to go look into that book!

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  7. Just the other day I told Luke that I don't ever want Eli to feel hurt and to only know love for the rest of his life. He told me this was impossible. But as his mother it really is my desire for him. Luckily I can point him in the direction of a savior that will only show love and grace towards him, and pray that he clings to that and not to the lies of the enemy and the world. This post truly hit home with me. Love you girl!

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  8. Oh, momma! You are not alone. I want to shield my babies from everything hard even though I know it is those things that bring them closer to their Lord.

    I love your honest heart!

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