Friday, August 26, 2011

Except When I'm Not

Lately, I've been getting a lot of people telling me what a great mom I am, and what an "inspiration" I am. Which, I must admit, is both flattering and encouraging, especially during a particularly rough time in my life. And, most of the time, I can somewhat believe it might be true. Except when it's not. And today, my friends, was one of those days. I was ugly to Jayci and Adam and lost my temper again and again. Caden is getting stronger (which is an absolutely amazing, wonderful thing) but that means he's crying more. A lot more. His reflux is terrible, and he just seems uncomfortable all the time. Which means we hold him and rock him and bounce him. Which is a dream come true. Except that we also have a three year old who needs attention. And who doesn't have school this week.

Quite honestly, Jayci was a perfect angel all morning. She was so so sweet to Caden, and obedient, and just a joy in every sense of the word. 

But then she decided not to nap. And to draw all over herself and her room with blue marker instead. And to throw many large fits over every little thing. And my plan for making it through the day was to take a nap while Jayci napped because, you know, the whole not sleeping thing because of a fussy baby with a grueling feeding schedule. But while all of those things are viable reasons for my behavior, they are not excuses, and I feel terrible about losing my temper and acting ugly.

Because there is no reason for me to act a fool, when I am blessed with a sweet miracle baby and a beautiful little girl, not to mention an amazing husband and supportive friends.

So I needed to take a minute to apologize, and to cover myself, once again with grace and mercy, because I am a sinner who fails again and again. And I am so thankful that I serve a God who forgives me and wipes the slate clean, whose mercies are new every morning.

I also needed to remind myself of just how beautiful my life is. And how much God has helped us overcome in the last two weeks. And how he has healed Caden's heart, and he has the scar to prove it. And how He is already knitting Jayci and Caden together in beautiful ways. And how He always creates beautiful things, even when I don't do a good job being a part of that.











14 comments:

  1. You are still a great mommy even if you yell. I love that you asked for forgiveness. I love that you are so grateful for every blessing.

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  2. Love you and Praying For rest, patience and energy that can only come from our Father. The pics of jayci and Caden are absolutely precious!

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  3. I have no words of wisdom but I am still praying for you.

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  4. Remember not to be so hard on yourself - you guys have been through (and continue to go through) alot... couple that stress with just the good old fashioned sleep deprivation plus a sibling toddler - it's ALOT!!! We are continuing to lift you guys up in prayer, praying for peace, healing and rest. The pictures are beautiful. Both Jayci and Caden are gorgeous. <3

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  5. Sometimes the hardest person to extend grace to is yourself. But keep doing it- we all have our moments and thank goodness His grace is sufficient for all of our except-when-I'm-not moments. Love your transparency, your great big heart, and your beautiful pictures.

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  6. Praying for you. I agree with the others you are a wonderful mommy, you are just exhausted and overwhelmed and doing really great in a tough situation. I loved all the pics you shared!

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  7. praying that things will ease up for you very soon. you know, i understand reflux well, so if you just need a shoulder to lean on, i'm here. many prayers and hugs, becca. xxo

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  8. As a fellow heart mama, I feel like I have a 100 things to say and I don't know where to start. I found Caden's story on the blog "When Life Hands You a Broken Heart".

    I'm so glad to see that Caden is doing so well. He is a darling little guy. :)

    Don't be too hard on yourself right now. Keep in mind that you're still physically recovering. That alone is enough to make any mama impatient. BUT add to this Caden's heart story and those are more than enough reasons to cut yourself a lot of extra slack. Luckily for you (and me) our children are quite young and they won't remember this time in their lives. It's mommy and daddy who will remember everything so well. So with that said, just know that other heart mamas are thinking of you and praying for you. No one wants to be part of the heart world and but it's a wonderful place to be once you are here. I'm so grateful to live in a time where so many heart families have blogs so we can keep track of each other and also get an idea of what our own heart kiddos might face.

    Our daughter Olivia was born with Tetrology of Fallot back in February. We knew about the defect before she was born (I'm so sorry you didn't know about Caden's beforehand). For her defect, surgery usually happens between 6-8 months old (our surgery date is Sept 14th). For now it appears she'll only need one surgery to completely fix the defect.

    Hugs to you and your family. I'll be keeping an eye on your little man from all the way out in Utah. :)

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  9. Everybody's already said what I was thinking- grace, grace, God's grace to cover you and give you peace. Praying for this daily challenges and for lots of grace in the Stanley home!

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  10. I understand all the feelings you've expressed because 36 yrs ago I was spending days on end at Children's in DC with my last daughter who has a very rare muscle disease. Being deprived of sleep and worry can and does take it's tole on us even though we know in our heart God is in control, and His Grace is suffient!!! Believe me it's not good for you to be so hard on yourself...You are a precious MOM who loves her family so much...it shows you know...remember as time goes by things will become more "normal"...continuing to pray for you all...Blessings, Bevie

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  11. I know you do not always feel it, but you are very, very lucky. Your children look so loved! Kids are hard- I have 3, all different stages, all very trying at times, and they have all had their medical, emotional, etc. challenges...but all worth it..good luck and God bless!

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  12. Be kind to yourself and to your spirit as life can be hard AND beautiful at the same time.

    I am still praying for you.

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  13. Becca, it is just amazing how much you went through in that short amount of Caden's life. It is okay to be tired, okay to ask for help.
    It will all be well in a short amount of time.
    He will not give you anything you can't handle.

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  14. You are still the best mommy. It is incredibly hard trying to be everything for everyone when you are spread so thin. I remember those days in the beginning....living on minimal to no sleep is no help either.

    All you have to do is forgive yourself at the end of the day for everything that you feel that you "failed" at and trust that you tried your very best.

    It will get better. I can promise you that! {{{HUG}}}

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